Bullying Defense Skills Training
by Tom Letson NJ SAC LPC
(Scroll down this page for the following skills: Poker Face, How to Ignore,
Don't be a Target, How to Use Comeback Lines, How to Be Assertive.)
The Poker Face Skill ©
Some kids don't know how to respond to being teased and bullied and
show the embarrassment and anger on their faces. This is what bullies
and teasers want! They want to SEE it bother you! Once they see it
bother you they will do it again and again to see the same reaction over
and over again.
Use the Poker Face! The term "poker face" came about from the card
game poker. The term is used to describe how people in the poker
game are supposed to make a bets - they use a blank expression on
their faces when betting money (the poker face) so the other people in
the game cannot read the expression to find out if the person betting
money is holding good cards or bad cards. If someone has a happy
face on they have a good hand so the others in the game do not bet a
lot of money. If someone has an angry or sad face on they have a bad
hand so the others bet A LOT of money. Are you starting to get it?
The secret to playing poker correctly is the "Poker Face." The secret to
dealing with bullying and teasing is the Poker Face! How? Well by
keeping an emotionless and expressionless face on while being teased
and/or bullied sends the other kid the message that the teasing
and/bullying "WILL NOT GET TO ME NO MATTER WHAT!" This prevents the
bully or teaser from thinking you are a good target for bullying or
teasing. This works! Use it all the time!
How to Ignore Bullying ©
"Total" Ignoring vs. "Selective Ignoring"
Totally ignoring someone is pretending you do not hear him while he is
speaking to you. This strategy is common but never works. Why? The
bully knows the kid is purposely ignoring him because what he is saying
or doing bothers him. So guess what? The bully is going to do it again
and again and again – as long as the other child keeps pretending he
cannot hear the bully. Try NEVER to totally ignore someone who is
bullying or teasing you! (except when a kid is threatening to beat you up
– if this is the case ignore his words and get to an adult immediately)
What do you do instea? Think of a good comeback line (not an insult),
look the bully in the eyes and say the comeback line ("Who cares") using
the Poker Face and THEN begin to totally ignore the bully's words. This
sends the bully the message that his words and actions DO NOT bother
you (even if they do!). Make sure the comeback is appropriate: no name
calling or put-downs because this will make the bullying continue.
Being Assertive DOES NOT Mean Saying "Shut up!" ©
After you have asked kids several times to stop harassing you and they
don’t stop, it’s time to be more assertive. Being assertive means
sticking up for yourself and telling someone to stop doing whatever
mean thing they are saying or doing to you. Being assertive DOES NOT
mean being aggressive and starting a fight. Being assertive DOES NOT
mean screaming "shut-up!" at the other kid - in fact, this may make the
bully and teaser happy because they were successful in getting you
upset! Here are some examples of being assertive in these situations:
"I’ve given you enough chances to stop this. If you do it again I’m
reporting it."
"You are not getting it – I said enough already, OK!"
"That was kind of funny at first but now it's not - please stop it."
Don't Be an Easy Target!
Bullies look for opportunities to get a laugh at another kid’s expense.
They look for easy "targets." What’s an easy target? A kid who
unknowingly puts himself or herself in a position to get bullied and
teased by mean kids who do not care about what they do or how other
kids feel. Example: A kid leaves his lunch on a table while he goes up to
the lunch line to get a drink. When he gets back his lunch is gone and all
the kids at the table are laughing. He made himself an easy target! If he
had bought his drink BEFORE he put his lunch down on the table he
would not have become an easy target. Think about it – ALWAYS be
aware of who is around you and what may happen if you leave yourself
open for bullying.
Some bullying experts disagree with teaching children such common
sense strategies for self care. These professionals think any focus at all
on teaching a victim of bullying such skills is "legitimizing" the bullying
and blaming the victim. I disagree. We teach our children how to take
certain measures to prevent being victims of crime when they are by
themselves in public settings. Just as we tell our children to stay in
lighted areas if out after dark for their personal safety, why would we
not do the same for a child under our care at school?
How to Use Comeback Lines
The key to comeback lines is to remain COOL and AVOID the temptation
to trade name calling or personal insults with the bully or teaser. A great
comeback line is brief and to the point and leaves the bully or teaser
feeling that they did not get to you! Don't forget to always look them in
the eye and keep cool - anger is a sign to them that what they are doing
is working. Try some of the following, however always remember: if
another student is threatening physical violence toward you, don't say
anything to him or her - do your best to get away from the situation and
to where a teacher or other adult is located.
by Tom Letson NJ SAC LPC
(Scroll down this page for the following skills: Poker Face, How to Ignore,
Don't be a Target, How to Use Comeback Lines, How to Be Assertive.)
The Poker Face Skill ©
Some kids don't know how to respond to being teased and bullied and
show the embarrassment and anger on their faces. This is what bullies
and teasers want! They want to SEE it bother you! Once they see it
bother you they will do it again and again to see the same reaction over
and over again.
Use the Poker Face! The term "poker face" came about from the card
game poker. The term is used to describe how people in the poker
game are supposed to make a bets - they use a blank expression on
their faces when betting money (the poker face) so the other people in
the game cannot read the expression to find out if the person betting
money is holding good cards or bad cards. If someone has a happy
face on they have a good hand so the others in the game do not bet a
lot of money. If someone has an angry or sad face on they have a bad
hand so the others bet A LOT of money. Are you starting to get it?
The secret to playing poker correctly is the "Poker Face." The secret to
dealing with bullying and teasing is the Poker Face! How? Well by
keeping an emotionless and expressionless face on while being teased
and/or bullied sends the other kid the message that the teasing
and/bullying "WILL NOT GET TO ME NO MATTER WHAT!" This prevents the
bully or teaser from thinking you are a good target for bullying or
teasing. This works! Use it all the time!
How to Ignore Bullying ©
"Total" Ignoring vs. "Selective Ignoring"
Totally ignoring someone is pretending you do not hear him while he is
speaking to you. This strategy is common but never works. Why? The
bully knows the kid is purposely ignoring him because what he is saying
or doing bothers him. So guess what? The bully is going to do it again
and again and again – as long as the other child keeps pretending he
cannot hear the bully. Try NEVER to totally ignore someone who is
bullying or teasing you! (except when a kid is threatening to beat you up
– if this is the case ignore his words and get to an adult immediately)
What do you do instea? Think of a good comeback line (not an insult),
look the bully in the eyes and say the comeback line ("Who cares") using
the Poker Face and THEN begin to totally ignore the bully's words. This
sends the bully the message that his words and actions DO NOT bother
you (even if they do!). Make sure the comeback is appropriate: no name
calling or put-downs because this will make the bullying continue.
Being Assertive DOES NOT Mean Saying "Shut up!" ©
After you have asked kids several times to stop harassing you and they
don’t stop, it’s time to be more assertive. Being assertive means
sticking up for yourself and telling someone to stop doing whatever
mean thing they are saying or doing to you. Being assertive DOES NOT
mean being aggressive and starting a fight. Being assertive DOES NOT
mean screaming "shut-up!" at the other kid - in fact, this may make the
bully and teaser happy because they were successful in getting you
upset! Here are some examples of being assertive in these situations:
"I’ve given you enough chances to stop this. If you do it again I’m
reporting it."
"You are not getting it – I said enough already, OK!"
"That was kind of funny at first but now it's not - please stop it."
Don't Be an Easy Target!
Bullies look for opportunities to get a laugh at another kid’s expense.
They look for easy "targets." What’s an easy target? A kid who
unknowingly puts himself or herself in a position to get bullied and
teased by mean kids who do not care about what they do or how other
kids feel. Example: A kid leaves his lunch on a table while he goes up to
the lunch line to get a drink. When he gets back his lunch is gone and all
the kids at the table are laughing. He made himself an easy target! If he
had bought his drink BEFORE he put his lunch down on the table he
would not have become an easy target. Think about it – ALWAYS be
aware of who is around you and what may happen if you leave yourself
open for bullying.
Some bullying experts disagree with teaching children such common
sense strategies for self care. These professionals think any focus at all
on teaching a victim of bullying such skills is "legitimizing" the bullying
and blaming the victim. I disagree. We teach our children how to take
certain measures to prevent being victims of crime when they are by
themselves in public settings. Just as we tell our children to stay in
lighted areas if out after dark for their personal safety, why would we
not do the same for a child under our care at school?
How to Use Comeback Lines
The key to comeback lines is to remain COOL and AVOID the temptation
to trade name calling or personal insults with the bully or teaser. A great
comeback line is brief and to the point and leaves the bully or teaser
feeling that they did not get to you! Don't forget to always look them in
the eye and keep cool - anger is a sign to them that what they are doing
is working. Try some of the following, however always remember: if
another student is threatening physical violence toward you, don't say
anything to him or her - do your best to get away from the situation and
to where a teacher or other adult is located.
Bullystoppers.com!
Free Bully Reporting & Skills Training
Free Bully Reporting & Skills Training
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